(*)Henry Potty plus the Pet Rock: An Unauthorized Harry Potter Parody for several Ages(*) Today 22
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Author’s Note: The characters in this story are trained professionals. They usually have significant amounts of experience at flying on floor cleaners, creating hot dogs by magical means, or scheming to realize eternal life and world domination that is total. Please, do not try these plain things in the home.
Supplementary Note: Adults, don’t be concerned. This book is rated G and perfectly ideal for children of all of the ages. Children, don’t be concerned. If the parents attempt to sneak the book away so under the floorboards of a haunted, abandoned mansion with rhinoceros guards in pink polka-dot bathing suits to prevent anyone from taking it that they can read it themselves, you can always hide it. Or failing that, it’s small enough to go under your pillow.
Supplementary Supplement: this written book happens to be translated from American English into British English. After that it absolutely was translated into English English, after which went through a stint that is brief Swedish, just for a change of pace. After that, it was translated back into American English with possible lapses, and currently exists as the draft that is original you own in the hands.
Supplement into the Supplementary Supplement: this will be a work of fiction. However, all characters are most likely disturbingly much like characters you have present in other areas. Do not be alarmed. In the end, even serious characters need a secondary.
PS: Let us access it utilizing the whole story already, shall we?
The world is full of miracles. When you buy a cinema dog that is hot that it is flexible, this is certainly a miracle. He says, oh, okay, sorry to bother you, that’s a miracle when you tell the telemarketer that you’re not interested, and. You may have won a new car, that’s just junk mail, we don’t care about that right now.
On the steps of number 23232323.32 when you get a letter in the mailbox saying Privy drive, someplace in England, (land of Shakespeare, British accents, and saying crisps whenever you mean chips) a child left in an crate that is asparagus a doorstep screamed and screamed. His survival was another miracle that is such given exactly how many people wanted him dead. Or at the very least severely hurt. The seller that is asparagus would have settled for getting his crate back, since all of his little asparaguses were currently rolling about helplessly on the floor. But the incredibly evil bad guy planning to take the world over definitely wanted him dead. It had been inside the job description.
And so, this miracle baby lay inside the asparagus box, wailing at an world that is unjust really didn’t care all that much. His speech, composed of such words that are eloquent “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” meant, in baby talk, “What do you really mean i must wait a decade before i am the star of the book? I am here, your readers are reading! I’d like fame, I’d like fortune, i wish to see my lawyer, I’d like my brand that is own of cereal, I want…”
Fortunately for everyone concerned, ten years flew by in the space of a few lines, as the book propelled forwards to chapter one. As she wanted to.
A PILE OF LETTERS
In a house so ordinary that it fairly screamed not to be noticed, from the beige carpet that went with everything (including stains) to the Beware of Rabid Hamster sign that kept out the salesmen, there lived a family since he was the hero of the novel, the author couldn’t drop an anvil on the whiny brat, much. It had been a family that is perfectly ordinary consisting of Mr. and Mrs. Dorky, their son, Dumpy, and their gallant yet ill-treated household slave.
Oh, Henry Potty preferred calling himself a individual that is freedom-inhibited however the name did not replace the situation up to he would hoped. Even subscribing to Menial Drudges United Newsletter did little to ease his suffering. Still, Henry smiled through the abuse as Dumpy Dorky attempted to pull his ears off and experimented on Henry along with his sinister mold kit that is growing. For Henry knew that he was special. You see, ..a destiny was had by him.
Henry had known this from the time he came across the remember that was indeed left beside his basket. All the best heroes have already been abandoned in baskets, you start with Breadbasket Fred, who went on to begin a chain that is national of fry restaurants. The letter caught Henry’s attention thanks to the six-inch letters on top that said, “Never, under any circumstances allow Henry Potty to read this letter. in any case” His cousin had left it in Henry’s room, less from a feeling of destiny and much more through the known fact that he still hadn’t learned to read. He was only twelve, after all.
The letter read, “Destiny has marked this boy for greatness. Bring him up so he doesn’t get a head that is stuffed. Oh, and then make sure he wears socks that are clean. I can’t abide foot fungus. Signed, a Mysterious Elusive Benefactor who prefers to remain incognito for the right time being.”
Henry knew that someday, someone would come and rescue him from his lifetime of servile drudgery. Oh, not his parents. Lames and Jelly was indeed killed years back, either from slipping on a couple of banana peels and falling with their deaths or getting hit by a llama that is rampant his aunt didn’t remember which. But someone, somewhere, cared enough to rescue him from a life that is tragic of fungus. Plus they would eventually find him. Maybe. Henry was just glad he had so many facts that are definite which to reassure himself.
In the meantime, there clearly was his fan club. Since Henry had a destiny, he knew that later on, people would break the doors down of his house to beg for his autograph. Just as well to build his fan base now, so it would be all ready when fortune and fame followed. Besides, it gave him something pleasant to give some thought to after his scrubbing that is monthly of cousin’s undershorts.
The letter came in a plain, ordinary, unassuming envelope, which Henry tossed under his bed carelessly. Probably another something or advertisement equally not worth opening. His room was filled up with “Henry Potty” books, card games, action figures, toothpick holders, movie posters, as well as other rubbish. Simply speaking, precisely what he must be a star. But whether his adventure starred in the type of a gallant knight on a horse that is white a mysterious lamp that would grant wishes and even polish his shoes, Henry knew it wouldn’t be coming in an envelope. He began to update a brand to his website new, hot pink counter, (00000000000000000000000000000000001 visitors have visited the state Henry Potty web site) ignoring the truth that most of the readers were smirking at his blissful ignorance.
The following day, there have been two letters on his plate. Henry glanced at them briefly before you go upstairs to alphabetize his chapter rules and bylaws when it comes to Henry Potty Fan Club. An hour or so later, he had been back downstairs, giving an answer to his aunt’s demands by painting murals that are tasteful the disposal pipes under the sink. “Someday my fans will come,” he sang, to the accompaniment of colorfully dressed mice that are singing. Twinkling, magical lights bounced through the pipes to his glasses, threatening to permanently fry his already vision that is pitiful. And so went the week that is first of mail.
Henry Jerked his head up as the ground was shaken by an earthquake beneath him. A hideous, jello-like creature slithered down the stairs, all pale, lumpy, and alien. It was Dorky that is dumpy.Henry’s cousin relied from the latest trends in skateboards since he had been too fat to walk. Along with his limited brainpower, he did not have a lot of a future that is glamorous of him. Perhaps it could be made by him as a disc jockey someday. Henry scrutinized his cousin again. Dumpy looked surprisingly happy for someone with this real face.
“Henry, fetch me my slippers!”
Henry tossed them at his head. Luckily, Dumpy had moved onto another thought (he could only handle one at a time, on a day that is really good least) and did not notice.
“You understand what I do not understand?” he said.
“Second grade geography?”
“No! Well, yes, that, but additionally why you can end up being the star associated with the book. Should not they pick someone with charm and magnificence?”
“You? You are less attractive than leftover gruel at Thanksgiving.”
“Oh, that reminds me. A snack is wanted by me,” Dumpy said. “It’s been five minutes since I had breakfast.”
“Of course, my love-pudding that is little, Pilluffa said. Henry knew he was called by her that for his shape rather than his sweetness. Pilluffa’s long, pointy nose would’ve marked her as the stepmother that is evil of woman, just because her stringy hair and green skin had not given her away. Henry’s nicknaming her Aunt Pill completed the image. “how about we I order the slave…er, your cousin, to repair you a cup that is nice of with a plate of double-stuffed cream buns and you can show me all the Q minuses on your report card.”
Henry shuddered. Water and bread just weren’t so incredibly bad, considering. At the least he knew that the origin of Dumpy’s quarrelsome mood was his being woken up really really at the beginning of the morning. It had barely been eleven AM when Henry had “accidentally” dropped the cast iron stove on the ground.
“Oh, Henry, I expect Dumpy wants some candy bars too,” said Aunt Pilluffa.
Henry struggled to accomplish the 2 chores at a time, yet found it impossible. The candy bars were into the kitchen, although the lard was at the pantry and Henry just could not see a real way to be in two places at once. At least, not and still be breathing.
“And I know you’re occupied with shampooing the hamster and giving us pedicures and so forth, but take a brief moment to throw each one of these letters away. All two hundred-fifty-six of those clutter within the accepted place and I can never have anyone to tea.”
Pilluffa never had anyone to tea anyway, since even her dearest friends knew that she was the villainess of the book and refused to associate with her. Still, she could hope. Pilluffa plunged her sharp, evil fingernails that are stepmotherish a bit deeper. “it might be fan letters.”
“I doubt it,” Henry sighed. “there is not even a hint of very simple taken from them.” Still, he picked within the letter that is top the pile. At someone that is least on the market wished to hear from him. He could include his recently updated Henry Potty Newsletter.
He opened the letter.
Dear if he wrote back, at least Henry,
You probably haven’t figured this out, but your use that is frequent of identifies you as a gizzard! As you say you are, we would be happy to welcome you to our school if you are half as talented. You may want to consider sunny California for your student needs while you are researching the doubtless equally exemplary schools in England. Our school of Chickenfeet Academy looms over a lovely trash-free beach, only minutes through the strip that is nearest malls, fast food joints, and of course, Hollywood. Some slanderous citizens have named us a school that is fourth-rate. This really is entirely untrue! In reality, we feel proud to rank ourselves among the list of grandest third-rate schools associated with the nation. Word of one’s fame has already reached us, even halfway around the globe. Well, perhaps a 3rd around the globe. The Atlantic is a ocean that is small as oceans go. Unless you compute by time zones, in which case it’s the same as Hong Kong, just in the opposite direction…where was I? Oh, yes. Please let us know if you’re interested in being our student that is first ever graduate.
Professor Bumbling Bore
“It sounds interesting,” Henry said.
“you would be wiped out all year?” his aunt wondered.
“Hmm, this appears like a program that is good”
Menial Drudges United had been campaigning for years and was rights that are slowly accumulating. In a years that are few they might even rebel against mucking out stables. In the meantime, they were shovels that are demanding
So much authority in the possession of (or in other words, shovels) of slaves was quite frightening when it comes to innocent, hard working folk that is common had throttled them all those years. So now that the opportunity had come to be rid of their household laborer, Henry’s family jumped at the chance. Well, his uncle and aunt jumped. Dumpy Dorky needed several schoolmates heaving his excess flab he was ready to go before he could so much as stand.
Within the week, Henry’s bags were packed and. His relatives herded him to the plane. “But I’ve never left England before!”
“Shut up, we’re giving you your freedom.”
“Yes, Those americans will up bring you right.”
His aunt and uncle bid him an goodbye that is emotional even refraining from throwing garbage at him. Dumpy showed no restraint that is such
His fairy godmother was there to fulfill him as he got from the plane. “Hello, my dear, i am your fairy godmother. And I also shall offer you a gown and a pumpkin that is magic, and everything that you need to go to the ball!” She wore a fluffy pink gown that is taffeta rosy high-heeled shoes that raised her heels thus far from the ground that Henry was amazed she could walk. Henry pointed out that the girl was enclosed by singing birds, mice, and four hedgehogs that are off-key
“I have a fairy godmother?”
“Everyone Needs a godfather or godmother. Get serious!”
“Well, many thanks for the offer, but i am not likely to a ball. I will Chickenfeet Academy.”
“Oh!” The lady flicked her wand, changing into pink army camouflage with tall, rosy combat boots. “Then let us hit those back again to school sales!”
“Aw, how come i must go shopping?”
“It is to bore your readers, so that they’ll be much more impressed when something actually happens later into the book,” his fairy godmother said.
“Why do not we just skip that section?”
Henry left the shop carrying all the stuff which he would want into the year that is following including a cauldron, as well as a hot-drun, several gizzard bathrobes in a variety of tasteful colors with color-matched socks and hair ribbons, a small set of scales, the snake that the scales came off, several grapefruit, and a small elephant.
“Wait, you forgot your wand!” his godmother protested, scurrying to catch up after all the pages her godson that is fairy skipped.
Henry left the shop carrying all the stuff which he would want into the year that is following including a cauldron, a hot-drun, several gizzard bathrobes in a variety of tasteful colors with color-matched socks and hair ribbons, a small set of scales, the snake that the scales came off, several grapefruit, a small elephant, and a magic wand.
“Not like that,” his godmother scolded. “The wand, at least, you’re buying properly.”
She led him to The Wand Guys, and pushed him inside. “Henry Potty,” murmured a tall, attractive woman with rosy cheeks and an umbrella. A tape was held by her compare well to his ear and allow the other end fall into the floor. “Not an charge that is ideal nannies. Doesn’t put his socks away.”
“Aren’t you in the book that is wrong dear?” Henry’s godmother asked.
“You have not advertised for a nanny?”
“Dear me, no! Henry’s going off to Chickenfeet Academy.”
“i am sorry to own troubled you, then.”
“Oh, no, generally not very. I need to go meet Sleeping Beauty in a pages that are few,” the godmother said.
The mysterious nanny raised her umbrella and flew off with it, soaring higher and higher into the sky. After a moments that are few a screech of dismay plus the twang of overstretched telephone wires. Henry’s fairy godmother turned her focus on Henry, who was simply busy counting the dots into the ceiling and searching for patterns inside them, inspite of the known fact that the ceiling was solid black.
“Henry! Wake up. You need to get a wand.”
“Really? Most people say I need to get a life. A wand is supposed by me will be easier.”
Henry’s godmother sighed. “All right. Now, get up on one foot, place the other leg behind your face, and hold your arms call at front of you. Then shut your eyes. Oh, and attempt to wiggle your ears.”
Henry did while he was told. “which means this can help you determine what form of wand to have me?” He heard a humming sound that is faint. Perhaps it was a burst of magic delving into his soul to find him the wand that is perfect treasure when it comes to rest of his life.
Actually, it absolutely was the record button on his fairy godmother’s video camera. “No, it is for my submission to America’s Funniest Fairygodchildren,” she said.
“But how about my wand?” Henry asked, still attempting to wiggle his ears.
“Oh. Here.” She pulled the wand that is closest off a shelf and tossed it to Henry, who jumped and caught it in his mouth while still maintaining his awkward position. “Good boy!” his godmother said. “Goodness, I could make twice as money that is much I submitted this to America’s Funniest Pets as well. Here, have a goody!” She tossed him an item of candy and then he opened his mouth wide to catch it, letting the wand drop in the act. The wand landed on his one foot that is supporting he hopped about in pain, the chocolate bar still clenched in his teeth.
His godmother kept the camera rolling. “Gee, this’ll make me a million. Maybe I could even go on that island show and make some money that is real”
Finally, Henry realized which he had his wand now, and did not have to keep hopping along with his other leg squashed behind his head in order to entertain his godmother that is fairy and of Americans with nothing better to watch on TV. So he stopped.
Henry’s fairy godmother sighed in disappointment and turned her camera off. “Guess there’s nothing more to see.” Bigfoot flew by the store window, riding on a UFO, but neither of the humans noticed. “Well, be good, Henry, and have fun in school,” his godmother said.
“Wait! Don’t I get wishes or blessings or anything?”
“Hmm, that’s a idea that is good. At the least it may keep you out of trouble.” The fairy bopped Henry on the relative head together with her wand.
“What do you do?” he asked.
“I Hit you on the relative head with my wand. My goodness, couldn’t you tell?”
“No, I mean, what did it accomplish?”
“It was fun.” She bopped him a time that is second. “and therefore an individual’s to bang some sense away from you.” Immediately a trickle that is small of cascaded from Henry’s ears as Henry groaned. Being hit with a wand was bearable, but his godmother’s pun was not.
“All right, fine, I’ll give you your present.” She waved her wand in an arc over Henry’s head. Immediately, a light that is brilliant down from above, blinding Henry and forcing him to squint.
“Could you turn that down?” he asked.“Certainly.” The light swiveled downwards to glare even nearer to Henry’s watering eyes.“No, After all turn along the intensity.” Immediately, the part that is brightest of the light shot even closer to Henry and he covered his eyes in desperation. “Turn it off!” he howled.“Of course, of course, no need to holler. Well, at least you seem a brighter that is little. You might even pass a few of your classes. if we keep this up,” The light thankfully dimmed.“But what does the light do?” Henry asked.“It’s your conscience, Henry. It means you’ve done a good deed when it glows like that. I recently wish crickets just weren’t becoming an species that is endangered. This will send my electricity bill through the roof. Well? Aren’t you going to say thank you?”