A lot has changed since I have last wrote….
As I look back in the just last year, I recall taking my son to rehab on that cold February morning. There’s no preparation for dropping your daughter or son off at rehab. Parents drop their kids off at friend’s house for a sleep over or camp, they take them to their day that is first of grade. From the taking Eric to school 14 years back. I experienced that “lump” during my throat. I possibly could have bawled my eyes out. Worried- Will he be ok? I possibly couldn’t believe he could be gone all long day. Is he ready? What me?
Nothing can compare to taking him to inpatient if he needed. I shall never forget standing in the lobby of the rehab facility. I listen to the speak that is therapist my son. She nonchalantly asks what his drug of preference is. He is heard by me answer, “HEROIN”. She is hearing that is unaffected. Heroin was a stranger in my opinion, a death sentence. I experienced heard my son say this when it comes to time that is first days earlier, but this time, it’s louder. It’s making my head hurt, I feel like it’s going to explode. My body that is entire is, my eyes water…
I have a look at my son. He looks nervous, comparable to how he looked on that morning years ago when I left him at school september. Except, this look is more complex. He isn’t wide eyed, excited to meet his friends that are new teacher. He could ben’t wearing a outfit that is new new tennis shoes. He was told to wear clothes that are comfortable. Yet somehow, he looks somewhat relieved you might say. Relieved, which he knows he belongs here….
My husband & I the stand by position and watch the therapist inspect his duffle bag. Hunting for the most obvious, no drugs or alcohol. But additionally, no hair spray, mouth wash, mobile phones, opened packs of cigarettes. Us, I want to scream, “You know what as she is calmly explaining my son’s stay in rehab to? He is different from all of the other kids that have come here, he gets it, he is MY SON and he will be a success story” As me.. if she would believe. I look straight into her eyes you a mother as she speaks, wondering “Are? Do you realize what this is doing to me? Do you care that I have not slept in 5 days? Does she know what it feels like to stand over your child’s bed while he is detoxing from a drug that is highly addictive? He was watched by me shake, he hurts from head to toe, he is miserable. Who is this person? THIS IS NOT MY SON! Tell me someone is playing a joke that is horrible me. Where could be the camera that is hidden? Tell me this was a test that is cruel of mother’s love. I passed with flying colors right? NOW GIVE ME MY SON BACK…….
Eleven months later, I not merely have my son back, We have an adult, confident bright eyed, happy man that is young is determined to keep you out of his life- for TODAY, anyway…. One at a time day. It has become my own motto. This is simply not to express I do not worry about the long term or am being irresponsible or careless. What it means is, for Today, I will be the person that is best i could be. I will not judge others. I shall love my hubby and my 3 children that are beautiful who they are. I shall love myself for who i will be. I shall remind myself that I will make mistakes and hope to learn from them that I am human. For you, I would still be stressing over things that are out of my control if it wasn’t. Today trying to “fix” others and not know myself as well as I do. So, for that, you are thanked by me. Funny is not it? A years that are few, I hated you, despised you, I resented you for what you did to me as a child, how you made my brother seem to be nervous all of the time, how you made my son unable to look anyone in the eye. Now, you are being thanked by me. It really is amazing what time knowledge that is& do to a person. I no longer am trying to control others and am caring for myself- guilt free too!
Resentment is common for family members of you. It is easy to be angry at you. You have caused many people a deal that is great of & heartache. Waiting on hold to anger only enables you to have POWER over my emotions. I will not permit you to have that. Anger uses up energy that is too much. It’s distracting. I have found ways that are positive exert my energy. I took action; I learned I volunteer for The Alliance Against Drugs about you. I now say HEROIN, somewhat nonchalantly, just as the therapist did. I continue spreading the expressed word about yourself and let others know there clearly was hope which help. I will not keep quiet or help keep you a secret. If I kept quiet, how could others study from my experience? Is not that the goal of life? Sharing our experiences, our knowledge with other people so that they, too, can study from it? Keeping silent would send my son the message that is wrong. It would tell him I am ashamed or embarrassed of him. I might n’t need to achieve that. A part that is big of first year of recovery is spent getting rid of the shame & guilt because of you. I have to let my son know that I also forgive him. He needs a slate that is clean. I believe all of us do. I do not desire to add to his baggage that is”mental of. I want to help lighten his load of guilt. Forgiveness is really saying- I am hurt by you. Do not try it again. And, just you, it doesn’t mean I trust you because I am forgiving. I am apprehensive to give you the opportunity to again do it. Forgiving someone is concern with being vulnerable again.
I am on the path to recovery. It really is a journey that is wonderful. Just as all journeys can be bumpy or have detours along the real way, mine isn’t any different. My loved ones is rebuilding our foundation. You control that is taking of son was similar to a tornado hitting our house. The 5 of us were left standing, feeling alone, with no roof or walls to protect us. We are each, slowly putting brick by brick back on our house. Slowly, but surely, we are dealing in our own way. There was more silence than fighting about your existence. The quietness was difficult. You paralyzed me emotionally. I was caught by you with my guard down so that as a mother my concern was getting my son the assistance he needed. I happened to be in survival mode. This kept me busy, so busy, my daughters felt abandoned. Feeling this real way, created hostility. I now know, how important it is, to be forgiven. I have apologized for my emotional absence. It is really hard when you apologize to someone and are truly sorry for something, but that not being sufficient or enough. I am unable to replace the past but I’m able to study from past behavior. Letting or forgiving go of the pain is a process and will take time. I continue to pray that my daughters will soon forgive me. These are generally remarkable woman that is young big hearts, so, I wait patiently.
These relationships are worth waiting a lifetime to be forgiven… My children are the center of my heart, they are precious people. I am proud to be their mother. I am so happy for who they are rather than who I thought they should be.You that I have learned to accept them continue to be contained in my entire life, always is supposed to be. But, now, you might be a stronger, positive force, a learning device, as we say. Today, i shall continue attempting to function as person that is best I can be. You are my inspiration to help others.That’s it for now, I’ll be in touch.
PS I think I’ll call that therapist and let her know, that my son is a success story…….(*) today
(*)index of subtitles(*)
#Dear #Addiction #Letter #Mother #Part
#Dear #Addiction #Letter #Mother #Part